Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Wrecking Ball (Book 14) (Diary of a Wimpy Kid 14)
Author: Kinney, Jeff
Date: 2019-11-05
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd

PUFFIN BOOKS

DIARY OF A WIMPY KID

by Jeff Kinney

Puffin

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Puffin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose
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First published in the English language in the USA
by Amulet Books, an imprint of ABRAMS, 2019
Original English title: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Wrecking Ball
(All rights reserved in all countries by Harry N. Abrams, Inc.)
Published simultaneously in Great Britain by Puffin Books 2019

Wimpy Kid text and illustrations copyright © Wimpy Kid, Inc., 2019
DIARY OF A WIMPY KID®, WIMPY KID™, and the Greg Heffley design™
are trademarks of Wimpy Kid, Inc., and the design of this book’s jacket
is trade dress of Wimpy Kid, Inc. All rights reserved.

Book design by Jeff Kinney
Cover design by Chad W. Beckerman and Jeff Kinney

The moral right of the author/illustrator has been asserted

ISBN: 978–0–241–39694–0

All correspondence to:
Puffin Books, Penguin Random House Children’s
80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL

to scooter

1

MARCH

Sunday

I’ve read that in ancient times they used to bury

kings and pharaohs with all their possessions.

Back then I guess they thought you could take

your things WITH you into the afterlife.

Well, if I get buried with all MY junk, I might

really REGRET it later on.

2

Mom’s having me do some spring cleaning to get rid

of things I don’t NEED. Well, that seemed like a

good idea until I realized just how much stuff I’ve

actually GOT.

I spent the whole morning going through my

closet, and it’s crazy how much was packed in there.

And it’s not like it was ORGANIZED or anything.

I’ve basically been throwing things in my closet since

we first moved in.

3

Digging through my closet was like going through

my CHILDHOOD. And the further back I went,

the further back in TIME it took me.

The stuff near the front of the closet was all

junk I tossed in there over the past year, like

homework and comic books. But after I got

those things out of the way I started finding

stuff I’ D FORGOTTEN about.

I found a model rocket I got for my tenth

birthday and a costume I wore for Halloween a

few years ago. And there was a bunch of other

things I didn’t even know I still had.

4

When I dug a little DEEPER, I found something

I thought I’d lost YEARS ago. It was a binder

full of stickers I’d collected in the third grade.

I used to be OBSESSED with stickers, especially

the scratch-and-sniff kind. I collected all the

GOOD smells, like bubble gum and candyfloss

and that sort of thing, but I had all the really

GROSS ones, too.

So, when a kid on my street wanted to know

what giraffe poop or rotten meat loaf smelled

like, they’d come to ME.

5

One of these days I’m gonna write my

AUTOBIOGRAPHY, and it’s gonna include

scratch-and-sniff stickers to mark all the

different moments in my life.

6

I kept digging through my closet and found stuff

from KINDERGARTEN, like a fish I made by

tracing my hand on to a piece of card.

I used to LOVE doing arts and crafts back

then. And, if anyone ever tried to BULLY me

about it, they’d get a face full of glitter.

7

Another project I found in my closet was a gift

I made for my mom in pre-school but never gave

her. It was a paper flower with a picture of my

face in the middle, glued to a popsicle stick.

When I made the thing, I put it in a little plant

pot filled with earth. But I tripped on the front

step when I got home from school that day, and

that’s why I never gave it to her.

8

I was GLAD when I finally reached the back

of my closet, but, to be honest, I was a little

DISAPPOINTED, too.

When I was younger I read this book about

these kids who could visit a whole different

WORLD by going through their wardrobe, and

I always wondered if I might be able to do the

same thing with MINE.

But I thought that whoever lived on the other

side might not be too happy with me for tossing

all my JUNK in there over the years.

9

When I told Mom I was done emptying my closet

today, she said I needed to put everything into

three piles: one to keep, one to donate and one

to throw away. But I figured if I had to let

go of any of my junk I might as well make some

MONEY from it. So I decided to have a YARD

SALE.

Mom thought that was a GREAT idea. So she

gave me a magazine that had all sorts of tips on

how to do it RIGHT.

10

All the ideas in the magazine were corny and

old-fashioned, though. There was one section on

how to create a sign to get people to come to

your yard sale, and all the examples they showed

were really BORING.

I knew that if I wanted people to actually show

up at my yard sale I needed to do something a

little more EYE-CATCHING. So I whipped up a

sign I knew would do the trick.

11

I made a few copies of my sign and headed out to

post them around the neighbourhood. But Mom

stopped me before I got out of the front door.

12

Mom made me make signs that were more like the

ones in the magazine, and after I was finished,

I stapled them to some telephone poles on our

street. Then I hauled everything down from my

bedroom and started setting it all out on some

plastic tables.

Each table had its own category, like “clothes”

and “books” and that kind of thing. But some

stuff wasn’t easy to categorize, so I had to get

creative.

I had a bunch of gifts from my grandparents and

older relatives that I’ve never even TOUCHED,

so I put all those things together on one table.

I also had a bunch of birthday cards that were still

in pretty good shape. So I used some Tippex to

cover up my name and set them out on their own

table.

I put all my broken toys on another table and

hoped some little kids who couldn’t READ would

come to the yard sale.

14

I stuffed all my random items, like marbles and a

few pencil stubs, into some socks and pinned them

to a table.

I also created a table full of things for people

who had money to burn.

15

I put all my old arts-and-crafts projects on

their own table, just in case some kids needed a

gift for their parents but didn’t want to put in

the TIME.

While I was finishing up, Mom came outside to

check out my yard sale, and she seemed pretty

IMPRESSED. But she said I should hold on to

the things I’d made myself, since that stuff is

really SPECIAL.

I told Mom that if she wanted something, she

could always buy it HERSELF. So she offered

me three dollars for that paper flower I’d made

for her in pre-school.

16

Mom seemed pretty eager to have that thing, and

I could tell it was worth more than three bucks

to her. So I told Mom it was all hers for TEN.

I guess I pushed my luck, though, because she

went back inside without buying ANYTHING.

While I waited for customers to show up, I started

getting a little NERVOUS. I realized that all my

stuff was just lying out in the open, and I had no

way to stop people from STEALING it.

So I called my best friend, Rowley Jefferson,

and asked him to come down and be my Theft

Prevention Officer.

17

But Rowley said he was supposed to do something

with his dad this afternoon, so he couldn’t help

me with the yard sale.

I told him I’d promote him to Theft Prevention

MANAGER, and he’d even get to wear a BADGE.

Luckily, that did the trick.

As soon as Rowley got to my house, he started

asking about that BADGE. All I could find was

my old firefighter costume, but that seemed to

make him feel important.

18

Rowley asked what he was supposed to DO as the

Theft Prevention Manager, and I said mostly he

needed to walk around and crack his knuckles to

make sure nobody got any funny ideas.

But Rowley wasn’t paying any attention to my

instructions, because he was distracted by a table

that had a bunch of birthday gifts he’d got me

over the years.

I’m pretty sure Rowley’s MOM picks out my

presents, since they’re always things that

help you LEARN. And they’re all still in mint

condition, because I haven’t actually OPENED any

of them.

19

I don’t know what made Rowley madder, the fact

that I was SELLING this stuff or the sign I

put on the table.

Rowley said I couldn’t sell those things because

they were GIFTS. I told him they were MINE,

so I could do whatever I WANTED with them.

And then we got into a big tug-of-war over the

Magnet Fun set.

20

That’s when our first customers started to

arrive. I told Rowley we could argue about this

LATER, but for NOW we needed to act like

PROFESSIONALS.

At first just a few people showed up, but after

a while a lot MORE came. And, when they

started checking out my stuff, I went into sales

mode.

One lady seemed interested in a collector’s coin

I got from my uncle, but she complained that it

was DENTED. So I thought fast and told her

the REASON it was dented was because it had

stopped a bullet in the Second World War.

21

She didn’t seem to BELIEVE me, though,

probably because the coin was dated last year.

I spent a lot of time trying to close that deal,

and I started worrying that people were stealing

behind my back. Unfortunately my Theft Prevention

Manager was totally useless, because he was busy

playing with the magnet set.

I told Rowley he’d better start doing his JOB

or he was gonna get FIRED. But Rowley said it

wasn’t a REAL job anyway, because he wasn’t

getting PAID.

I explained that I hadn’t SOLD anything yet

and didn’t have any MONEY to pay him with.

So when he said he was LEAVING I told him he

could pick out one item from any table and THAT

could be his payment.

Rowley seemed pretty excited about that idea, and

I thought for SURE he’d choose the magnet set.

But he headed straight for the Rare Items table

instead.

23

I explained that those things were for PAYING

customers ONLY and that maybe he’d be

interested in something from the Fun Toys table.

But Rowley wouldn’t BUDGE.

Eventually he settled on the Vampire Bat Shield.

And I was OK with that, because it was really

just a broken umbrella. But now Rowley was so

worried about BATS that he couldn’t concentrate

on his job.

While Rowley was fooling around with his stupid

umbrella, I thought I saw a guy take an action

figure from the Collectibles table and stuff it in

his pocket. So I ran over to deal with him.

24

But the only things in the guy’s pockets were

some used tissues and car keys.

I was glad I was staying ALERT, though,

because I headed off a major DISASTER. A

pickup truck pulled up at the kerb, and some guy

from Whirley Street started piling my stuff into

the back.

25

I asked him what he was DOING, and he said

that since tomorrow was trash day he thought

the stuff by the kerb was up for grabs.

But I didn’t have time to explain the concept of

a yard sale to this guy, because all of a sudden I

had an even BIGGER problem to deal with.

It started to RAIN, and everyone was heading

back to their cars.

I was worried I might never get this many

people to come to a yard sale again, and I

wanted to sell SOMETHING to make all the

effort worth it. So I went round and marked

down the prices on every item.

26

Then it started REALLY raining, and I knew I

was gonna have to do something DRASTIC.

I threw a bunch of stuff into BOXES, and

offered even bigger discounts. But by then it

was too late anyway.

I knew that if I didn’t get my stuff inside it

was all gonna get RUINED. So I asked Rowley

to hold his umbrella over my most valuable items while

I ran everything else into the garage.

But Rowley wasn’t any help at all.

27

He said his shift had just ended and it was time for

him to go home.

So I was on my own. I tried carrying a box of

comic books into the garage, but by now the box was

SOGGY, and the bottom gave way.

28

It took me about a hundred trips to get

everything into the garage. But I probably

shouldn’t have even BOTHERED, because most of

my stuff was already RUINED.

I figured I could still make ONE sale, though.

I told Mom that the paper flower was all hers

for three bucks. Unfortunately by then she’d

changed her mind.

29

Wednesday

I’m actually kind of GLAD nobody bought anything

from my yard sale the other day, because if I

ever get FAMOUS that stuff is gonna be worth a

LOT more money than I was asking for it.

I’d feel pretty dumb if I sold one of my old

homework projects for fifty cents and then

someone auctioned it off later for a few thousand

dollars.

One day they’ll probably make my childhood home

into one of those places schools visit on field trips.

30

And if THAT happens they’re gonna want to

have all the authentic stuff I owned growing up.

The reason I’m not ALREADY famous is because

when you’re a kid they keep you busy with school

and homework, so there’s not a lot of time left to

make a NAME for yourself.

But one of the ways a kid can actually get famous

is by becoming a HERO. My parents watch the

news every night, and there’s always a story

about a kid saving someone from choking or

something like that.

31

The problem is, those kinds of opportunities don’t

come around that OFTEN. And, believe me, I’ve

tried to put myself in the right place for that

sort of thing to happen.

32

But I’ve got kind of tired of WAITING, so I

decided to try and create a situation where I was

GUARANTEED to be a hero. I figured if I

saved someone from a dog attack they’d make a

statue of me and put it in the town park, which

would be pretty cool.

Rowley didn’t seem so sure about my idea when I

explained it to him. But when I said he’d be a part

of the statue, too, he changed his tune.

So I got some bacon out of our refrigerator and

had Rowley stuff it in his pockets. Then we went

around the neighbourhood looking for some DOGS.

33

We DID attract some dogs, but they weren’t the

kind I was LOOKING for.

Rowley got so nervous about the dogs following

us that he ATE the uncooked bacon, which I’ve

heard can be really BAD for you. So I told his

parents what happened, and they took him to a

doctor just to be sure.

34

I guess I saved Rowley’s life after all, which

does sort of make me a hero, if you think about

it. But I don’t know if that’s really the kind of

thing they make into a statue.

Maybe I’m thinking too SMALL with this statue

idea, anyway. If I do something REALLY big,

they’ll make my birthday into a national holiday.

That would be pretty awesome, because then

everyone will get the day off school and work,

and they’ll have ME to thank for it.

35

The thing is, whenever there’s a day off school

for a national holiday, I never even THINK

about the person it’s named after. I just hope

that on MY holiday people will spend the whole

day reflecting on my life.

But with MY luck they’ll just use it as an

opportunity to sell furniture or something.

36

APRIL

Sunday

All the rain we’ve been getting has been making

everything grow like crazy. And that really

stinks, because it’s MY job to weed our garden.

I don’t know why Mom gave me this job, because

she knows I’m BAD at it. I can’t tell the

difference between a weed and something that’s

SUPPOSED to be in the garden, and I keep

ripping up the wrong stuff by mistake.

I’m still not convinced there actually IS a

difference between a weed and a plant. I bet

there are places in the world where people think

ASPARAGUS is a weed, and right now there’s

some kid my age busting his gut pulling it up.

37

I don’t understand why GRASS isn’t considered

a weed, because it sure looks like one to ME. But

people like my dad spend their entire weekends

trying to get their lawn to look just right so they

can impress their neighbours.

I’ll tell you this: when I get a place of my

OWN, I’m gonna PAVE the whole yard. That

way I can spend my weekends ENJOYING

myself.

38

I’m gonna save a TON of money by paving the

yard. My dad spends a FORTUNE on lawn

fertilizer, and I don’t think that stuff’s GOOD

for you. And the proof is my neighbour Fregley,

who’s always out in his yard right after they spray.

I’m pretty sure all those lawn chemicals can mess

with your GENES. So if I end up with a third

eye or something, I’m gonna blame my PARENTS.

39

When I have my own place, EVERYTHING’S

gonna be different. And I’m not just talking

about the LAWN, either.

I USED to think I wanted to live in a big

mansion with a giant fence around it. But then

I realized that if I was famous, everyone would

know where I LIVED.

40

So my NEW plan is to build a really SMALL

house that doesn’t attract a lot of attention.

And then all the GOOD stuff will be

UNDERGROUND.

I’ve got ideas for what’s gonna go on each level.

In fact, I just finished designing the fifth floor

last week, and it’s probably my Favourite.

42

I’m a little worried about living UNDERGROUND,

though, because my brother Rodrick lives in our

basement, and I’m not sure it’s healthy. So

I’m gonna have tons of screens that LOOK like

windows to make it feel like I’m living on the

surface.

My house is gonna be BIG, so it’ll take me a

while to get from place to place. That’s why I’m

planning on having moving walkways everywhere.

My bathtub is gonna be made of glass, and it’ll sit

inside a giant aquarium so I can feel like I’m in

the OCEAN.

44

My security system is gonna be SUPER high

tech. I’ve designed all sorts of booby traps for

anyone who tries to get inside.

And if someone gets past the front door I’ll just

wait them out in my panic room, which is gonna

have steel walls that are three feet thick.

45

Every so often I’ll probably have a party or

something so people can see how awesome my house

is. But if they stay too LATE I’ll have a way to

get them out of there and back up to street level.

All this stuff is gonna be EXPENSIVE, so

it’s going to take a while for me to save enough

money to make it happen. But I figure it can’t

hurt to start planning NOW.

46

Friday

I was doing my homework last night when Dad

called me downstairs. Mom was at the kitchen

table, and she seemed pretty upset.

Dad told us Great Aunt Reba passed away in her

sleep. I have a LOT of great aunts, though, and

at first I couldn’t remember which one she was.

Mom reminded me that Aunt Reba was the one

who used to send me angry letters when I forgot

to write her thank-you notes for my birthday

money. And then I knew EXACTLY which one

she was.

I guess MANNY remembered Aunt Reba, because

he seemed pretty upset she had died.

46

47

So tonight Mom read him a book she’d read to ME

when Meemaw passed away.

Mom has a whole SHELF of these Preston Platypus

books, and each one covers a different topic.

She’d pull one out every time I had to deal with

something NEW.

48

When I found the books in Mom’s closet, I read

them all in one afternoon. I probably shouldn’t

have done that, though, because those books

turned me into a nervous WRECK.

49

One of the books was about how Preston Platypus

was sad that a tree in his yard died and had to

be cut down. Well, when my parents said they

needed to take down a dead tree in OUR yard,

I was a total mess.

So my parents decided NOT to chop it down. But

then a few weeks later the tree fell down in a

storm and took out half our deck.

50

The Preston Platypus books all follow the same

basic formula. At first, Preston’s worried about

something, and then his mom tells him things are

gonna be OK, and she turns out to be RIGHT.

I guess the reason I kept reading those books

was because I always hoped there would be a big

TWIST at the end. And then I’d be disappointed

when there WASN’T.

So I started coming up with my OWN endings to

the books. And when Mom saw what I’d drawn in

the back of “Preston Platypus Goes to the Zoo”

she took me to see a counsellor.

51

Saturday

Today was Aunt Reba’s funeral. Mom said we had

to go because Aunt Reba didn’t have much family,

so we needed to show our support.

She told us we all had to wear BLACK to the

funeral, but when Rodrick came out wearing the

outfit he wore to his last rock concert Mom made

him go back inside and CHANGE.

That’s why we were fifteen minutes late to the

funeral. When we got there, the service had already

started, so we just stood at the back behind a

crowd of people. I’d never been in a cemetery

for that LONG before, so I felt a little

NERVOUS.

52

That’s because Rodrick always says that when you

go past a cemetery you need to hold your breath

so you don’t swallow a GHOST. Well, I held

my breath for as long as I COULD today, but

there was no WAY I could make it through the

whole funeral.

I just hope I didn’t swallow any ghosts, because

middle school is hard ENOUGH without being

possessed by a person from the 1600s.

53

Some of the tombstones had quotes on them, and

that got me thinking about what I want written

on MINE. Hopefully I’ll say something really

WISE right before I die, and they’ll carve my

last words on to my tombstone.

But I’ll probably say something really DUMB and

they’ll use it anyway.

I’ve got a lot of questions about what happens

to you after you die. For one thing, I wanna

know how you LOOK in the afterlife.

54

If everyone’s appearance is frozen when they pass

away, then Heaven probably looks a lot like Leisure

Towers.

I wanna know what you WEAR up in Heaven,

too. If you’re stuck in the clothes you had on

just before you died, I seriously hope nothing bad

happens to me on HALLOWEEN.

55

I’ll tell you this: I wanna stay alive for as long as

I can. But I wouldn’t want to live FOREVER.

Whenever you see a movie about someone who

becomes IMMORTAL, there’s always a CATCH

that totally ruins it.

When a person is immortal, they always have to

HIDE it from everyone else. I guess if people

know you can’t die they treat you like a

MONSTER or something.

56

But if I was immortal I wouldn’t even TRY to

hide it. In fact, I’d mention it every chance I

COULD.

In school we learned about the world’s religions

and how everyone believes different things. In

some places they believe that, when you die, you

get reborn as someone ELSE.

Some people think you can come back as a totally

different creature, like an animal or an insect or

something. And WHAT you come back as depends

on whether you were GOOD or BAD.

Well, that actually makes me a little worried,

because I’ve done a few things in my life that I’m

not proud of.

57

And if PLANTS have feelings, then I could

REALLY be in trouble.

Hopefully there’s still enough time for me to make

things right. Because I seriously don’t want to

come back as a dung beetle in my next life.

58

Mom told us Aunt Reba didn’t have a lot of

family, but she did have lots of FRIENDS, which

would explain why there were so many people at

her funeral.

Well, I’d better start adding some new friends

MYSELF, or I’m not gonna draw much of a

crowd when it’s all over for me.

When the service ended today, everyone started

to leave. I thought I’d recognize SOME people,

because I know that Aunt Reba had a couple

of sisters who are still alive. But I didn’t see

ANYBODY I knew, which was weird.

59

Mom seemed confused, too. When the crowd

thinned out, we made our way to the grave.

And that’s when we figured out we’d been at the

WRONG FUNERAL.

By the time we got to Aunt Reba’s grave, the

ceremony was over and everyone was already gone.

All I can say is, I hope Aunt Reba was

looking down from Heaven and having a good

laugh about us missing her funeral. But, from

what I remember about her, she wasn’t really

the type of person to have a good laugh about

ANYTHING.

60

Monday

During dinner tonight, Mom said we needed to

have a family meeting. And family meetings are

never much FUN.

Mom told us Aunt Reba had lived a really humble

life in a small apartment, but that she had been

careful with her money and made some really

smart investments. Well, I had NO idea why

Mom was telling us all this.

But then came the big news. Mom said that Aunt

Reba had left all her money to her FAMILY. And

it took me a second to realize that included US.

Apparently, when you find out this sort of news

you’re not supposed to act HAPPY about it,

because I guess that’s disrespectful to the person

who passed away. But nobody told us KIDS that.

61

After Mom got us to settle down, she said we

needed to have a serious discussion about what to

do with our INHERITANCE.

I already knew EXACTLY how I was gonna

spend MY share.

62

Rodrick said he wanted to use HIS share to buy

a tour bus for his band, and Dad wanted to buy

some really expensive figurines for his Civil War

diorama. Manny wanted to use HIS money to fill

his bedroom with chocolate pudding for some reason.

But Mom shot down everyone’s ideas. She said

we were making this decision as a FAMILY, and

whatever we did with the money was gonna have

to benefit EVERYBODY.

Then she told us HER idea, which was to use the

money for HOME IMPROVEMENTS.

63

Everyone else thought that was a really BORING

idea, but not ME. I ran upstairs to get the

blueprints for my dream house, and I went

through them, floor by floor.

But Mom said the money Aunt Reba left us

wouldn’t even pay for the ice-skating rink I

designed for the second level. So I tried out some

of my LESS expensive ideas, like the couch with a

built-in toilet.

64

Mom wasn’t crazy about THOSE ideas, either. She

said she was thinking about using the money for an

EXTENSION. Well, that sounded like a GREAT

idea to ME. I figured if we added two more

storeys to the top of our house, then everyone

in the family could have their own FLOOR.

65

Rodrick wanted to make the extension into a

recording studio, and Dad wanted to make it all

glass so he could show off his Civil War diorama to

the neighbours.

Manny had his OWN idea for what to put in the

extension, but I think it was mostly just the

chocolate-pudding thing again.

Of course Mom didn’t like any of OUR ideas, and

she said she had a totally DIFFERENT plan for

what the extension should be.

66

Mom said she’d always wanted a bigger KITCHEN,

and she was really excited to use the money for

THAT.

None of us really liked that idea, though, and we

kept brainstorming OTHER things we could put

in there.

But now Mom was MAD. She said she was the

only person in the family who’d ever sent Aunt

Reba a thank-you note for anything, so SHE was

gonna decide how to use the money. And, for some

reason, that was the end of the conversation.

67

See, this is why leaving your relatives money is a bad

idea. All it does is make everyone MISERABLE.

I’m not planning on leaving ANY money behind

when I go. I’m gonna spend every last cent so

there’s nothing left for people to FIGHT over.

I can GUARANTEE that me and my brothers

are gonna fight over whatever inheritance we get

from Mom and Dad. And I’m ALREADY worried

that I’m not gonna get my fair share.

68

That’s because when I first learned to write my

name Rodrick made me sign a bunch of pieces of

paper. And who KNOWS what kinds of things

I’d agreed to back then.

Rodrick always says he’s the “firstborn” so he’ll

get our parents’ house and all their MONEY,

too. But I don’t think it works like that any more.

69

If he’s RIGHT, though, then I’m glad I’m the

SECOND in line and not the THIRD, because

Manny’s got NO chance of getting any money

with two older brothers in front of him. And

that’s the reason I always watch my back around

that kid.

70

MAY

Saturday

The great thing about this extension is that it

gives me something to brag about to Rowley on our

way to school.

I told him that our new kitchen is gonna have

granite countertops and a tile floor and brand-new

appliances. But, instead of getting JEALOUS,

he acted HAPPY for me. So I don’t understand

what kind of game he’s playing.

Rowley’s house is newer than ours, and it’s a lot

BIGGER, too.

71

And that’s not right, because Rowley’s an only

child, so he doesn’t even NEED all that room.

Back when Rowley first moved in, I told him we

should swap houses to make things more FAIR.

Rowley thought that was a good idea, but

unfortunately his dad DIDN’T. And I think

that’s what got me and Mr Jefferson off on the

wrong foot.

Anyway, I’m actually getting kind of EXCITED

for construction to begin, because it’s gonna be

NICE having some more space. But I guess

they’ve gotta do a bunch of paperwork before they

can get started for real.

72

Dad wants to fix a few things around the house

before construction begins anyway, and he wants me

and Rodrick to HELP him.

Dad says once me and Rodrick get our OWN

places we’re gonna have to know how to do repairs

OURSELVES. I keep telling Dad that by the

time we’re HIS age we won’t HAVE to fix things

ourselves. But he never seems to want to hear it.

Whenever Dad tries to teach me how to do something

new, I always have trouble following him. A couple

of weeks ago he showed me and Rodrick how to

change a tyre, but I guess I lost interest when he

started talking about lug nuts and air pressure.

73

Dad was frustrated that I wasn’t paying attention,

and he asked me what I’m gonna do if I ever get

stuck by the side of the road with a flat tyre. I

told him I’m planning on buying a WHISTLE, and

I’ll just blow it if I ever need help.

74

I guess that was the wrong answer, though,

because since then Dad’s been on my case to learn

how to do things for MYSELF.

Today Dad said he was gonna teach me how

to “snake a drain”, which didn’t sound like

fun to ME. And when I found out it was a

PLUMBING thing, I got SCARED.

I’ve had a fear of plumbing ever since I was

a little kid. It’s all because I overheard Mom

talking to Dad outside my bedroom just after we

moved in.

What I didn’t know THEN was that grout is the

gritty stuff between the bathroom tiles. But, when

Mom said that word, it put a picture in my mind.

Since I’d never SEEN the Grout, I figured it

must hide in the pipes whenever I walked into the

bathroom. So that made me nervous around taps

and drains.

76

I was scared that one day the Grout was gonna

grab one of my ankles when I was in the shower

and pull me down the drain.

And I didn’t feel safe in Mom and Dad’s

bathroom, either, because I figured the Grout

could just slither through the pipes and get me in

THERE if it wanted to.

I thought maybe I could at least stop

the Grout from getting out of the taps by

BLOCKING them. So one day I went around

the house putting balloons over all the nozzles,

which turned out to be a pretty dumb move now

that I think about it.

77

I knew I needed a way to DEFEND myself if

the Grout ever came after me while I was using

the bathroom. And I found the perfect weapon

in the cabinet underneath the sink.

From then on, if I was in the bathroom, I was

ARMED.

But later I started to worry that the Grout

might slip out of the bathroom and get me in my

BEDROOM.

78

And a few times I was sure it was actually right

there in the room WITH me.

But when I woke up in the morning the Grout

was GONE.

Finally, I told Mom I was too scared to sleep

alone because I was afraid of the Grout.

79

Mom thought the whole thing was HILARIOUS

and showed me what grout REALLY was.

Then she told me that a monster is only real if you

BELIEVE in it, and if I stopped thinking the

Grout was real it would DISAPPEAR.

I realized that was EXACTLY what the Grout

would WANT me to think, and I wondered if

the Grout was actually pretending to be MOM.

So, from that point on, I kept my bedroom

door LOCKED, just in case.

80

Eventually I guess I DID stop believing in the

Grout. Well, at least until TODAY when Dad

unclogged the drain and pulled out a glob of

HAIR. And, for ME, that’s all the proof I

NEEDED.

I spent the rest of the day locked in my room.

And that was where I planned on STAYING,

at least until Dad took my door off the hinges

with a screwdriver.

I didn’t even know you could DO that. So Dad

should be happy, because he actually taught me

something NEW today.

81

Sunday

This morning Dad woke me and Rodrick up early

and told us we had to go with him to the DIY

store. He said he had a day of chores lined up for

us, and we needed to get some supplies.

It’s been a while since we went to the DIY store,

and the last time we were there we got kicked

out. That’s because Manny used the toilet on the

display floor.

Dad went to find stuff to fix the washing

machine, and he sent me and Rodrick to get some

other things, like wood stain and paintbrushes.

82

I’ll tell you this: if there’s ever a zombie invasion or

something like that, I’m heading STRAIGHT for

the DIY store. Because there’s stuff in there that

can do some SERIOUS damage.

When we got back home, Dad told me and

Rodrick we were gonna stain the deck. He said

we’d have to paint around the hot tub since it

was too heavy to move.

Honestly, I wish we never GOT the hot tub,

because that thing has been nothing but

TROUBLE.

83

This winter the hot tub almost KILLED me,

not ONCE but TWICE.

One night we had a big storm, and the strap

holding down the hot-tub cover came undone. So

Dad told me I had to get out there and FIX it.

After I got on all my winter gear, I went

outside to deal with this thing. The cover was

flapping around like CRAZY, and it wasn’t easy

trying to wrestle it back down. And, just when

I thought I HAD it, a big gust of wind came

and blew the cover clear off the deck.

84

But I was still holding on to the cover, so I

went flying WITH it.

If there hadn’t been three feet of SNOW on

the ground, that would’ve been IT for me.

After I checked to make sure I didn’t have any

broken bones, I dragged the cover through the

snow and up the stairs. And by the time I got

to the TOP I was completely EXHAUSTED.

85

But that’s not the end of the story. The hose

Dad used to FILL the hot tub was running down

the stairs, and it was frozen SOLID. So when I

STEPPED on the hose, I slid all the way back

down to the BOTTOM and almost broke my neck

on the landing.

Rodrick’s had problems with the hot tub, too. He

used it all winter, but had a bad habit of falling

ASLEEP in it. So Mom would always have to make

sure he wasn’t still outside when she went to bed

for the night.

86

But one time Mom forgot to check on Rodrick

before she went to sleep and didn’t realize he

was out there until the MORNING.

It took something like two WEEKS for Rodrick’s

skin to smooth out so he could stop looking like

a PRUNE. And during that time his high school

had their yearbook photos taken.

87

A few months back Dad drained the hot tub, and

there hasn’t been any water in it SINCE. I’m

just hoping we get RID of that thing before it

causes any SERIOUS damage.

While we were staining the deck near the hot tub

today, I heard a buzzing noise and thought maybe

someone had accidentally left the heater running.

88

So I lifted the cover to check. And, as soon as

I DID, I knew I was in TROUBLE.

Some wasps had made a NEST underneath the

cover, and now they were all stirred up. If I

made a sudden move, I was gonna get STUNG.

I didn’t know what to DO, but Rodrick made the

decision FOR me.

89

The wasps went BERSERK, and I dropped the

hot-tub cover, then RAN for it. Somehow me

and Rodrick BOTH managed to get inside without

getting stung.

We were really lucky, because I’ve read that wasps

can sting you MULTIPLE times, unlike a regular

honeybee, which can only sting you ONCE.

I wonder what it’s like knowing that, if you sting

someone, you’ ll DIE. If I was a honeybee,

I’d be tempted to use my stinger every DAY.

ESPECIALLY if I was surrounded by bees my age.

90

But if I went through my whole life without

ever using my stinger I’m sure I’d end up

REGRETTING it.

This afternoon Dad wanted to know why me and

Rodrick weren’t still outside staining the back

deck. Rodrick told him about the WASPS, but

left out the part about spraying their nest with

the hose.

Then Dad said he had another job for us in the

FRONT yard. He said the gutters were clogged

and needed cleaning, so we had to go and get the

ladder out of the garage.

91

Cleaning the gutters is my LEAST favourite

chore, because it’s always ME who has to climb up

the ladder.

Dad won’t do it any more because the LAST

time he did he had a run-in with a SQUIRREL.

So now RODRICK won’t go up the ladder,

either. He says the person who’s LIGHTEST has

to do it, because they won’t get hurt as badly if

they FALL.

92

Rodrick even drew a diagram to show me the

science behind it. And, if that was supposed to

make me feel BETTER, it DIDN’T.

We got the ladder out of the garage and carried

it to the front yard. Then we leaned it against

the roof, and Rodrick held the base in place so

I could climb up.

93

When I got to the top, I started scooping the

muddy slop from the gutters into the trash bag

I was holding in my other hand. That meant I

couldn’t really hold on to the ladder, and it was

hard to keep my balance.

After I cleared out that section, I climbed back

down and we moved the ladder to another spot.

But, on my fourth trip up, I noticed the ladder

felt a little more WOBBLY than usual.

I yelled down to Rodrick to hold the ladder

STEADY, but I didn’t get any response. And,

when I looked to see if he was on his phone or

something, he wasn’t even THERE.

94

And that’s when I looked through the bathroom

window and saw Rodrick INSIDE THE HOUSE.

I knocked on the glass to get his attention.

But I must’ve leaned over too FAR, because the

ladder started tilting to one side.

It was too late for me to try and climb all the

way back down, so the only place to go was UP.

I climbed to the top of the ladder and grabbed

the edge of the roof with both hands, then pulled

myself up on to it. I did it just in time, too,

because the second I stepped off the ladder it

went crashing to the ground.

95

So now I was stuck on the roof with no way to

get back down. I yelled out, hoping Mom or Dad

would hear me. But I was pretty sure Dad was in

the laundry room fixing the washing machine, and

I hadn’t seen Mom all morning.

Then I spotted Mr Larocca driving his lawn mower

out of his shed, and I thought I was SAVED. I

tried SHOUTING to him, but he couldn’t hear

me over the sound of the mower.

96

I figured I could get Mr Larocca’s attention by

throwing some of the gloop from the gutters in

front of his mower to get him to stop and look up.

So I scooped up some sludge and aimed for

a spot in Mr Larocca’s path. But I guess I

miscalculated a little, because I nailed the mower

with a direct HIT.

And, believe me, I couldn’t make that shot again

if I had a HUNDRED more goes.

97

Mr Larocca stopped his mower and tried to figure

out where the ambush had CoME from. I decided

maybe it wasn’t so bad to be stuck on the roof

AFTER all, and I scrambled over to the other

side where he wouldn’t be able to see me.

I hid behind the chimney, which was the only

shady place on the roof. And even there it was

pretty HOT.

I knew I could be in for a long wait, and

after a while I started worrying about getting

DEHYDRATED.

98

So I took off most of my clothes, because I

didn’t want to SWEAT too much. I thought

that if I got really desperate I might be able

to wring some moisture out of my SOCKS. But I

was really hoping it wouldn’t come to that.

I knew that if I didn’t do something to save

myself they’d eventually find me in one of those

satellite photos.

99

It was too far to jump DOWN, so that was

out of the question. And, even if I landed on

the back deck without killing myself, those wasps

would probably finish me off.

Then I remembered there was a window on the side

of the house above the garage. So I lowered myself

down from the roof and on to the ledge, which was

BARELY within reach.

Luckily, the window wasn’t LOCKED. I opened

it just wide enough for me to fit inside, and I

squeezed through.

100

The window led to Mom and Dad’s bathroom, and

the ledge was right above their TOILET.

I put one foot down on top of the cistern, and

then I tried to put my OTHER foot down on top

of the toilet LID. But I didn’t notice the seat

was UP until it was too LATE.

So now my ankle was STUCK, and I couldn’t

pull my foot out, no matter how hard I tried. I

guess I was making a lot of noise trying to get

myself free, because that was when I found out

where MOM had been all this time.

101

And it really wasn’t fun explaining the situation to

Dad when HE came into the bathroom.

So it wasn’t a great day for me. But the good news

is, Mom said that from now on we’re getting our

gutters cleaned by PROFESSIONALS.

102

Tuesday

It turns out I’m not the ONLY one who got

replaced by someone who actually knows what

they’re doing. It happened to DAD, too.

Dad took the washing machine apart but couldn’t

put it back together. So Mom made him hire a

plumber to fix it.

It’s been really inconvenient living without a washing

machine. We’ve had to wash our clothes by hand in

the kitchen sink, which is a big pain. But Rodrick

came up with a SHORT CUT last night and put

his dirty clothes in the DISHWASHER.

Well, the dishwasher did a good job WASHING

the clothes, but not DRYING them.

103

And, when Rodrick left the house to go to school

this morning, his clothes were still WET.

So he used his van to AIR-DRY his clothes on the

way to school.

104

Unfortunately for Rodrick, that got the attention

of the POLICE, who pulled him over.

That’s why Mom made Dad call someone to fix the

washing machine. But I didn’t know the plumber was

in the house until I walked past the laundry room.

The guy must’ve known what he was DOING,

because he got the washing machine up and running.

But things ended kind of awkwardly when Manny

tried to pay the plumber using Mom’s credit card.

Wednesday

When I came home from school this afternoon,

there were a bunch of builders and heavy machinery

in our yard.

106

I was super EXCITED, because that meant this

extension was finally happening for REAL.

A guy was using a digger to excavate the hole for

the foundations, and it was CRAZY to see how

POWERFUL that thing was.

Me and Rowley tried to dig a hole to China once,

and we quit after a few hours. But if we could’ve

got our hands on one of THESE things we

might’ve actually pulled it off.

I’m wondering if the crew would let me take the

digger out for a SPIN. Because I could use it to

pull the most epic prank EVER at my school.

It was pretty hot today, and I think Mom felt

sorry for the guys who were working hard. So she

made some cold drinks and took them outside.

108

It kind of backfired, though, because after

that the builders started coming inside to use the

toilet.

And when a line formed for the DOWNSTAIRS

toilet, the biggest guy on the construction crew

headed UPSTAIRS to find another one.

109

And that guy was carrying a MAGAZINE, so I

got the feeling he wasn’t heading up there to go

and do a Number One.

I wanted to try and STOP him, so I pressed the

“test” button on the smoke detector to set it off.

110

The builders all got out of our house pretty

QUICK, but they weren’t the ONLY ones who

thought there was an actual emergency.

MANNY thought so, too. And, when the smoke

detector went off, he threw all his stuffed animals out

of his bedroom window, then hopped on to the pile.

111

Mom and Dad weren’t happy with me for the

smoke-detector thing, but I don’t think they

were crazy about the builders using our toilets,

EITHER. So this evening Mom ordered one of

those porta-potties for the work site, and now

everybody’s happy.

Friday

Yesterday the construction crew poured concrete for

the foundations, and today they started on the

framing for the extension. I thought it was pretty

cool seeing how everything was coming together.

112

Unfortunately Dad noticed that I was interested

in what was happening outside, and that put an

IDEA into his head.

Dad said this project was a good opportunity for

me to learn from REAL professionals and to pick

up skills I could use down the road.

I wasn’t really on board with that plan, though.

Most of those builders look like they’ve got really

rough hands from working with all that heavy

equipment. But I use all sorts of lotions and

creams to make my hands nice and SOFT.

113

And I’d like to KEEP them that way, because

my hands are my best feature.

But that was EXACTLY the wrong thing to tell

my dad, because it earned me a one-way ticket

outside.

114

I don’t know why Dad sent ME out there and

not Rodrick. Manny actually wanted to go WITH

me, but Dad told him he was too YOUNG to

help. And Manny didn’t take it that well.

Dad told me I needed to find the person in

charge and see how I could pitch in. So I

asked around, and someone introduced me to the

FOREMAN, who was in his trailer.

115

I guess the foreman was too busy to deal with

some middle-school kid, so he told me to go and

find a guy named Buddy and talk to HIM.

Well, Buddy was pretty easy to find, especially

since his name was tattooed on his forehead.

Buddy was working with some guys on the frames

for the walls, so I thought I’d start off by

telling them who I WAS. But they weren’t as

impressed as I THOUGHT they should be.

116

I told these guys I was out there to HELP

them. So Buddy told me he had a REALLY

important job, which was to hold up a wall they

had just framed.

And I DID feel pretty important for a while,

at least until I saw that the wall was holding

ITSELF up on its own.

Once I understood it was a prank, I figured

this is just the way builders joke around with one

another. So I picked up a hammer and asked

Buddy if I could nail some boards together or

something.

117

Buddy told me that would be GREAT, but I was

holding a LEFT-handed hammer, and I needed

to go and find a RIGHT-handed one.

So I asked around the site, and it took me a

long time to realize THAT was a joke, too.

It hit me that since I was the youngest guy out

there, the other builders didn’t RESPECT me.

118

I figured they wanted me to QUIT, but I

didn’t want to give them that SATISFACTION.

I decided I was gonna PROVE myself by

working hard, and move up the ranks. And maybe

within a week or two I’d have guys like Buddy

reporting to ME.

So I went around the construction site finding

things I could do to help out. I filled some

buckets with water for the builders who were

mixing concrete, and I moved a pile of gravel out

of the way when a lorry needed to get through.

119

By the time we broke for lunch, I was feeling

pretty GOOD about myself. But I didn’t want

to kick back and relax, because then these guys

would think I was LAZY.

So when lunch was delivered, I went around the

site handing out everyone’s orders. And that made

me REALLY popular.

One guy named Luther was in the middle of mixing

a batch of concrete, so I had to wait before I

could hand him his meatball sub. And to be extra

helpful, I unwrapped it for him so he’d be able to

have it as soon as he was finished.

120

But I wasn’t being CAREFUL, and the meatballs

slid out of the sub and into a bucket of wet concrete.

Luther didn’t look like the kind of guy who’d be

happy about a meatball sub with no MEATBALLS

in it. So I tossed the REST of the sub into the

bucket and backed away.

121

And I’m glad I got out of there when I DID,

too. Because when Luther accused Buddy of

stealing his meatball sub, things got UGLY.

I snuck back to the house, then locked the door

behind me. And, when Dad asked me why I wasn’t

still out there WORKING, I told him I’d

RETIRED.

122

Sunday

Things were really moving along with the extension

until our Neighbours started complaining.

Mr Larocca had an issue with the NOISE,

because he works the night shift at a hospital and

needs to sleep during the day.

So Mom’s been asking the builders to try and keep

it down, but that’s not easy to do when you’re

dealing with HAMMERS.

Our other next-door neighbour, Mrs Tuttle, isn’t

happy about the extension, EITHER.

123

Apparently one of the builders rolled a wheelbarrow

on to her property and trampled on some of her

flowers, and now she wants us to REPLACE them.

And it’s not just our NEXT-DOOR neighbours,

either. Mrs Rutkowski lives diagonally across the

street, and I guess one of her cats got into our

yard and stepped on a nail. So she told Dad he

had to pay the VET’s bill.

124

All this complaining is just slowing things

down and making the project take LONGER.

So the only person who’s actually making any

PROGRESS around here is MANNY.

He found a toy toolbox in the basement, and he

took some scrap wood out of the skip. I’m not

exactly sure what he’s building in the backyard,

but it looks pretty IMPRESSIVE.

The skip is definitely the best thing about this

project. Whenever the waste-paper basket in my

bedroom gets full, I just empty it into the skip,

which is right outside my window.

What’s even better than THAT is how easy it

is now when I have to put the trash out on

Sunday night. It’s my job to put trash stickers

on all the bags, then take everything down to

the kerb. And that’s a giant pain, especially

when it RAINS.

126

But, with the skip, I don’t even have to deal

with the STICKERS. I can just chuck the bags

straight in.

Tonight I made a pretty stupid mistake, though.

I didn’t feel like taking each bag out of the

trash can, so I tried to empty it into the skip

all at once.

127

Unfortunately I didn’t realize how HEAVY

the trash can was, and I couldn’t get it all the

way over the top of the skip. So the whole can

tipped backwards, and the trash emptied out of

the bags.

So now there was trash EVERYWHERE, and

I had to scoop it all back into the bags.

128

To make matters WORSE, it was a windy night,

so the trash was blowing EVERYWHERE. And it

wasn’t a lot of fun trying to chase all that stuff

down in the dark.

I spent an hour picking trash out of Mr Larocca’s

bushes. But I should’ve remembered that he works

the night shift and leaves at that time.

129

Monday

I got to bed super late yesterday, because I had

to try and convince Mr Larocca that I wasn’t

toilet-papering his bushes.

I REALLY wish I had got a good night’s sleep,

though, because we had a big test at school this

morning, and I don’t think I did my best.

130

This was one of those tests the whole SCHOOL

has to take. The teachers have been trying to get

us ready for WEEKS, because apparently the

results really MATTER.

I guess our school did really badly on this test

LAST year, and if that happens AGAIN there

are gonna be budget cuts. And that means some

teachers could lose their JOBS.

On top of that, they might have to cut some

subjects, like Art and Music. I wish KIDS had

a say in what to cut, because if I was the one

making the calls Phys Ed would’ve been on the

chopping block a long TIME ago.

The teachers have been really stressed out about

this test, and the last few weeks haven’t been a

lot of FUN.

All this pressure has been getting us KIDS

stressed out, too, so last week the school brought

a Stress Puppy into the library to help everyone

relax. But kids got too grabby with the puppy,

and then the puppy got all stressed out.

132

The puppy started running round in circles and

peeing all over the place. So the school took it

away and replaced it with a Stress Lizard, and

nobody wanted to TOUCH that thing.

Speaking of stress, I really wasn’t looking

forward to going home this afternoon, because

I knew they were gonna cut a hole in the wall

to connect it to the extension.

I was worried they might accidentally have to

cut through the PLUMBING, and I didn’t

wanna be around when THAT happened.

Rodrick thought they were gonna use a

WRECKING BALL to smash through the wall,

and his whole plan was to make a music video with

his band when they DID.

134

So Rodrick and his bandmates were pretty

disappointed when they got there and the builders

had already opened the wall with a power saw.

I didn’t see any sign of the Grout, so THAT was

a relief. But what the builders found inside the

walls was just as BAD.

The wood underneath the cladding was ROTTEN,

because of a leak caused by the clogged gutters.

And apparently there was toxic mould in the walls,

so we’ve been living with THAT all this time, too.

135

Plus, there were rodents’ nests in the walls, which

means we’ve been sharing our house with a colony

of MICE.

It really creeps me out to think there’s this

whole WORLD living inside our walls without us

even knowing. And that’s why I’ve decided when

I build my first house it’s gonna be 100% GLASS.

136

Friday

Ever since they opened up that wall, we’ve been

finding mouse droppings on our kitchen counters.

So that means the mice are living out in the

OPEN now.

Mom says we can’t leave any food lying around,

because then the mice will get up on the surfaces

where we EAT. So we’ve been trying to keep

everything really CLEAN, and I’ve been

putting our snacks in places where the mice can’t

get them.

Dad’s been looking up ways to get rid of mice that

won’t HURT them. But Rodrick has his OWN

ideas for what to do. He wants to buy a SNAKE

and let nature take its course.

137

When Mom asked Rodrick what we’d do once the

snake had eaten the MICE, he said we’d buy a

MONGOOSE to catch the snake. So remind me

not to visit RODRICK’S house when I’m older.

The mice aren’t our ONLY problem, though. We’ve

got WASPS in the house now, too. Mom found

one crawling on the mantel above the fireplace last

night, and there was another one flying around

the kitchen this morning during BREAKFAST.

We can’t figure out how they’re getting INSIDE,

because we’ve been keeping the windows shut and

we don’t open the front door unless we HAVE to.

Mom thinks they might be coming in from

underneath the tarp that’s covering the side of

the house, so she sent Dad out there tonight to

make sure there aren’t any gaps where they’re

getting through.

But Dad wasn’t happy about it, because there was

a THUNDERSTORM.

139

I would’ve HELPED him, but I was afraid of

being struck by LIGHTNING. At school, Albert

Sandy told us about this kid who got hit by

lightning while he was out in a canoe, and now he’s

SUPERCHARGED with electricity.

Well, everyone at my lunch table thought that

sounded pretty COOL, but I know that, if it

happened to ME, everyone would just use me as a

charging station.

140

Rodrick had a theory about how the wasps were

getting in, but it sounded kind of CRAZY.

He explained there are lots of different TYPES

of wasp, like paper wasps and mud wasps. He said

we’ve probably got SEWER wasps, and they’re

getting in through the TOILETS.

Well, I’ve never heard of a sewer wasp before,

but I’m not taking any CHANCES.

Right now we’ve got a rodent problem and an insect

problem, and I’m not sure which is WORSE. I

don’t know why our house can’t be infested with

something CUTE instead. Because if we were

overrun by KOALAS I really wouldn’t have a

problem with it.

141

Saturday

Last week the builders had to disconnect our air

conditioner so they could bring in a bigger unit.

So for now we’re all sleeping in the basement,

because that’s the only place in the house where

it’s COOL.

I can see why Rodrick likes it down there,

ESPECIALLY in the summer. I don’t love being

underground, though, which is making me rethink

the whole plan for my dream house.

Dad said, when he was growing up, some people

built BUNKERS where they could go if there was

a war or something.

142

Well, living in a tiny underground space with my

whole family sounds like a TERRIBLE idea. First

of all, the snacks would be gone by the second

day. And if we only had one toilet down there,

we’d have MAJOR problems.

I guess we’d have a periscope so we’d know when

the coast was clear on the surface. But if the

periscope got BLOCKED we might never know it

was OK to go back UP.

143

Dad said some people still build bunkers so they

can stay safe if there’s a natural disaster,

like a TORNADO or something. Well, this

morning I thought we were experiencing an

EARTHQUAKE, and the LAST place I wanted

to be was underground.

But the reason the ground was shaking was because

the builders were outside JACKHAMMERING.

They were breaking up our OLD driveway so they

could pour a NEW one, and I was pretty sure

the neighbours weren’t gonna be happy about all

the NOISE. Especially Mr Larocca, who had

just got home from his shift at the hospital.

145

But I was EXCITED about the new driveway.

Our old one was in really bad shape, so you

couldn’t really USE it for anything. And maybe

that’s what’s been holding me back from becoming

a professional athlete all this time.

When they hauled the rubble away and the lorry

came to pour the fresh concrete, I started to

get NERVOUS.

A lot of the kids in my neighbourhood are

JERKS, and if they see wet concrete they’ll

write stupid stuff in it.

146

On top of that, Mrs Rutkowski’s CATS have

been in our yard a lot lately hunting for MICE,

and I didn’t want a bunch of paw prints in the

freshly poured concrete.

So, after the builders finished, I patrolled the

perimeter to make sure everyone stayed OFF.

I was watching the STREET, but it turns out

I should’ve been watching the GARAGE.

147

I heard the door open, and Rodrick started

reversing his VAN out. I tried to STOP him, but

he was playing his music too loud to hear.

I couldn’t BELIEVE no one in the house had

told him about the driveway. But it turns out

they had a really good excuse, because they were

dealing with a more SERIOUS problem.

SMOKE was pouring out of the windows on the

ground floor, and I heard SIRENS in the

distance.

148

Mom came running out of the front door, and

Dad was right behind her.

Ten seconds later a FIRE engine pulled up at

the kerb, and a couple of firefighters got out.

They ran across the lawn and on to the front

path, which the builders had just finished

pouring.

That’s when everyone realized that MANNY was

still inside. But thankfully he’d already had

PRACTICE for this sort of thing.

150

The GOOD news is, there wasn’t actually a FIRE,

there was just a lot of SMOKE. But the bad news

is, it was MY fault.

Last week, when we were putting our food in

places where the mice couldn’t get at it, I hid

some snacks in the OVEN.

So, when Mom preheated the oven to put in

a batch of bacon this morning, a plastic bag

MELTED. It’s kind of UNFORTUNATE,

because that was a waste of some perfectly good

crisps.

151

And this was definitely one of those times when

I could’ve used that escape hatch at the back

of my closet.

Wednesday

Believe it or not, Mom and Dad have already

moved past the whole crisp-packet incident. And

that’s good news for ME.

But the REASON they’ve forgotten about it is

the BAD news.

A few days ago, the building inspector came out

to check the framework of the extension.

152

And, when he DID, he found out the whole

structure was too close to Mrs Tuttle’s property

line by about three FEET.

I guess the construction company messed up when

they created the plans for the extension, but the

council didn’t catch the mistake when they issued

the building permit. So now there was just a bunch

of finger-pointing, and no one would take any

responsibility.

The building inspector told us the only thing we

could really do NOW was to get our next-door

neighbour to sign something that says we had

permission to build the structure close to her

property line. But that wasn’t gonna be EASY.

The other day, when the concrete guys came

back to patch up the driveway and front path,

they set up their cement mixer on our lawn. But

I guess they forgot we were on a HILL, because

the mixer tipped over and poured fresh concrete

right into Mrs Tuttle’s GARDEN.

So, when Mom and Dad asked for Mrs Tuttle’s

permission to keep our extension where it WAS,

she wasn’t looking to do them any favours.

154

Mrs Tuttle wouldn’t BUDGE, and the council told

Mom and Dad the whole structure was gonna have

to come DOWN. And that’s exactly what happened

this afternoon.

So now EVERYONE’S unhappy, except for

MANNY. He finished work on HIS place

TODAY, and he had a housewarming party to

celebrate.

155

JUNE

Thursday

Mom’s been in a real funk ever since the extension

was torn down.

I figured we’d just start over and build it the

RIGHT way this time. But Mom said we’d burned

through most of Aunt Reba’s inheritance during

construction, and we were gonna need to spend

the REST patching up the side of the house.

So Mom was ALREADY in a bad mood when my

test results came in the post, and they didn’t

cheer her up any.

It wasn’t only MY results that were bad,

though. The whole class did poorly, and I can

tell you the reason WHY.

156

During the middle of the test, some kid let the

Stress Lizard out of its tank, and it’s really hard

to CONCENTRATE when there’s a REPTILE

on the loose.

So I guess this means the school is gonna lose its

funding, and Mom’s not HAPPY about it.

In fact, she’s so upset she’s saying we should

MOVE so we can live in a better school district.

But nobody ELSE is crazy about moving to

another town. Dad grew up here, and he says he

doesn’t see any REASON to move.

157

And RODRICK doesn’t wanna leave, either. He

says his band is FAMOUS in our town, and he

doesn’t wanna start over somewhere else. But I

don’t know how famous you can really BE if your

last concert was at a bowling alley.

Rodrick says he’s NEVER moving, and, even if

the REST of us moved out, he’d just keep living

in the basement.

And, to be honest with you, I don’t think Rodrick

would even NOTICE if a new family moved in.

158

I don’t think MANNY’S going anywhere, either.

He just put in a sprinkler system, and his yard is

really coming on nicely.

Truthfully, I didn’t know how I felt about moving.

I guess I’m OK with where we live now, but

maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea to start fresh

somewhere ELSE.

The great thing about moving is that when you go

to a new place you can decide who you wanna BE.

Maybe I could come up with a new LOOK, and

people would think I was a “bad boy”.

159

I could even become a whole new PERSON, and

tell everyone I’m a professional snowboarder or

something.

But maybe I could take it even further than

THAT. I could pretend I’m from another

COUNTRY where they don’t speak English.

160

And then my teachers would be impressed when I

picked up some new phrases.

It’s actually kind of FUN imagining a whole new

life for myself in a different place.

Back in elementary school, we used to play this

game called M.A.S.H., which stands for Mansion,

Apartment, Shack, House. I’d write down all the

possibilities for my future, and then roll a dice

over and over and strike things out until I only

had one item left in each category.

I actually found some of my old M.A.S.H. sheets

from the fifth grade in my closet a few weeks back.

162

Whenever I played, I always hoped I’d get

a perfect result. But even if I got a good choice

in most categories there would always be that one

item that ruined EVERYTHING.

163

One of the reasons I liked playing M.A.S.H. so

much was because it was a good chance to hang

out with the girls at recess. And the girl I liked

MOST back then was Becky Anton.

So sometimes I’d cheat a little when I was filling

out my M.A.S.H. categories to guarantee I got a

good result.

These days, Becky hardly knows who I AM,

even though we’re lab partners in Biology. I keep

thinking I should bring up the fact that we’re

supposed to get MARRIED one day, but the

timing never seems right.

164

That’s ANOTHER good reason to move. I could

SERIOUSLY improve my dating situation.

Because if there’s one thing girls love, it’s the

NEW guy.

Kelson Garrity was the new guy at the beginning

of this school year. And when he showed up, the

girls went CRAZY for him.

Well, it took a few weeks before everyone realized

that Kelson was kind of WEIRD, and now the

girls won’t go NEAR him. But he had a good run

for a while there.

165

So there are probably a LOT of good reasons to

move. In fact, the only DOWNSIDE is that I’d

need to find a new BEST FRIEND.

And I don’t know if that would be WORTH it.

I’ve invested a lot of time and energy into Rowley,

and I can’t really see myself starting over with

someone NEW.

166

But, if we DO end up moving, I’ve got a whole list

of REQUIREMENTS for a future best friend.

Number ONE, they’ve got to like WATCHing

somebody playing video games more than they like

playing games themselves.

Number TWO, it would be nice if they could

actually DRAW. Because I’m really into creating

comics and stuff.

167

And, number THREE, they’ve gotta have junk

cereal in their house. I really don’t know if I can

be friends with another kid whose parents are

health nuts.

But, most important, they’ve gotta have a good

sense of HUMOuR. Because, if there’s one thing

you should know about me, it’s that I’m kind of a

practical joker.

Saturday

So it turns out Mom is actually SERIOUS about

this moving thing. She’s been spending time each

night looking at different houses online, and I’VE

kind of got into it, TOO.

Every place we’ve looked at so far has some kind

of ISSUE, though. There was one house with

a big backyard, but it was right near a sewage

treatment plant. And there was another one

that was brand new, but the house only had one

bathroom. Me and Mom were ready to give up

looking, but then we found a place that looked

PERFECT.

169

The house is just a few years old, and it looks

like it’s in a nice neighbourhood. But what got

MOM most excited was the big KITCHEN.

Mom looked up the local school, and the test scores

were pretty good. Then she called the estate agent

to find out when we could go and SEE the place.

The estate agent said there was an open house

this weekend, and we should drop by if we could.

So this morning Mom told everyone to get in the

car to check the place out.

Nobody else was HAPPY about that, because, like

I said before, the rest of my family doesn’t want

to MOVE.

170

But, when we pulled into the neighbourhood,

everyone started to change their tune.

The estate agent let our family in and showed

us around the house, which was WAY nicer than

ours. And the kitchen was even bigger than it

looked in the PICTURES.

171

But what really got my attention was the

SWIMMING POOL in the backyard.

Rodrick and Manny must’ve spotted it before I

did, because both of them were already out there

by the time I got down the back stairs.

172

We’ve been trying to get Mom and Dad to put a

pool in our backyard FOREVER. They always tell

us that the hot tub is just as GOOD as a pool,

but, believe me, it’s not the same.

And this was an IN-GROUND pool. We actually

had an above-ground pool when I was younger,

but it didn’t even last a WEEK.

173

The estate agent showed us a few more features

of the house, but she didn’t NEED to because we

were already SOLD.

On our way home, everyone was super excited.

Rodrick said that he’s gonna use the pool to do

summer CONCERTS, and it’ll be a totally crazy

scene every Friday night.

I decided that I’m gonna CHARGE people

to come and use our pool, but that I’ll make

exceptions for CERTAIN people.

But Manny was the most excited of ALL. He’s got

big plans for the pool, too, and all I can say is,

it’s gonna take a lot of chocolate PUDDING.

175

Monday

We had another family meeting last night, and

this was a BIG one. Everyone’s on board with

moving to the new house, so that’s great.

Mom told us not to TELL anyone yet, because

we still have to sell OUR house so we can afford

to buy the NEW one. It was a little hard

for me to keep that information to MYSELF,

though, and I figured there wouldn’t be any

harm in telling just ONE person.

But maybe I should’ve told someone besides

ROWLEY, because he didn’t take the news

too well.

176

I guess I could’ve eased Rowley into it instead of

hitting him with the information all at once.

I tried to make him feel better by saying we’d

stay FRIENDS and that he could come and use

my pool on days when it wasn’t too CROWDED.

But that didn’t seem to cheer him up at ALL.

Hopefully Rowley will come round, though, because

I’m not sure I can deal with this kind of drama

every day.

After dinner tonight, Mom asked her friend who’s

an estate agent to come over and help us sell

OUR house. So we went from room to room, and

Mrs Laghari told us what we were gonna have to

CHANGE before we could put it on the market.

She said we were gonna need to replace our

carpets, give everything a fresh coat of paint and

put new tiles in the kitchen and bathrooms. And

that was just for STARTERS.

Mrs Laghari said that we’d have to take down

our family photos, because buyers like to imagine

THEMSELVES living in the house. Well, that was

fine with ME, because there are SOME pictures

that should’ve come down a long TIME ago.

178

Then Mrs Laghari told us that when we have an

open house we should lock the basement door so no

one sees what’s down there.

The last thing Mrs Laghari told us is that most

of our furniture was “outdated” and we should

probably just cover it up with sheets for the open

house. I think that hurt Mom’s feelings, and she

said people would LOVE her taste in furniture.

179

But Mrs Laghari said that if we didn’t do all the

things she recommended she’d have a hard time

selling our house. So Mom said in THAT case we’d

sell the house OURSELVES, and she showed Mrs

Laghari to the door.

I guess this means Mom and Mrs Laghari aren’t

FRIENDS any more. But that’s OK, because

we’re moving soon ANYWAY.

Sunday

Mom wants to prove our house is great the

way it IS, so we’re trying to sell it without

making any big changes. The open house was

this afternoon, but we spent the whole WEEK

getting ready for it.

180

It was MY job to write the description to post

online. And I got a little creative to try and

make it stand out.

We took photos of every room and posted those,

too. The house was a MESS when we took the

pictures, though, so we had to move some stuff

around to make it LOOK clean.

181

The open house started at noon, and we really

had to scramble to get everything nice and neat.

We did the best we could and got out of there

just before people started to arrive.

But it was kind of hard sitting there doing

NOTHING while total strangers went into

our house.

Mom said none of the people at our open house

actually knew we were the OWNERS, so WE

could pretend to be checking the place out, TOO.

And that way we could listen in on what everyone

was saying.

182

Well, I thought that sounded kind of FUN, so

I went inside with Mom. But everyone ELSE in

the family thought it was a dumb idea and stayed

back in the car.

It turns out the spying idea was a MISTAKE,

though. Most of the people didn’t have anything

NICE to say about our house, and it was kind of

tough hearing all the criticism.

But I think Mom was taking it a little harder than

I was. Because, whenever someone had something

NEGATIVE to say, she’d speak up.

183

Mom got so upset that she went back out to the

CAR. But I stayed in the HOUSE, because I

wasn’t comfortable with all these random strangers

poking around our things.

184

But not everyone was exploring the house. There

were a bunch of men in the family room watching a

football game, and, from the look of things, they

had helped themselves to our SNACKS.

These guys were letting their kids run wild in our

house while they sat back and watched TV. So

they were basically using the open house for free

BABYSITTING.

185

Since these dads weren’t watching their KIDS, it

was up to ME to make sure they didn’t BREAK

anything.

But I couldn’t be everywhere at ONCE, and I

was upstairs chasing kids out of our bathroom when

there was a loud noise DOWNSTAIRS.

It sounded like a kid had tipped over the FRIDGE

or something, so I ran down to make sure nobody

was HURT. But it wasn’t a KID who’d made the

noise, it was one of the DADS.

One of the guys had gone into the laundry room

looking for more SNACKS, but that’s where we were

keeping all the stuff we couldn’t hide anywhere ELSE.

I guess the noise freaked out the other dads, because

they scooped up their kids and left in a HURRY.

187

So that was the end of the open house, and we

didn’t get a SINGLE offer.

At dinner tonight, everyone was kind of bummed

out. But, while we were doing the dishes, there

was a knock on the front door.

It was a couple from out of town. They said they

hadn’t been able to make it to the open house in

time. So Mom invited them in to show them around.

They seemed pretty IMPRESSED, and the lady

said EXACTLY what Mom wanted to hear.

And, believe it or not, they made an offer right

on the spot.

188

Saturday

I knew I was gonna have to tell Rowley we were

selling our house, but I didn’t want a repeat of

what happened the LAST time we talked about it.

I came up with an idea for how to handle it

THIS time around. There’s a Preston Platypus

book on this EXACT subject, and I figured it

was the PERFECT way to get Rowley used to

the idea of me moving. So I took the book with

me to his house this afternoon.

189

It felt a little AWKWARD reading a story to

Rowley. But I think he’s USED to having books

read to him, so he made himself comfortable.

I don’t really think the message of the book

was getting THROUGH to Rowley, though. And

the story kind of made me MAD, anyway. It

was about how Preston Platypus has a best friend

named Pelican Pete, and they do EVERYTHING

together.

But then one day Pelican Pete says he’s MOVING,

and Preston Platypus is sad. And I was FINE

with the story up to that point.

190

Then Preston’s mom tells him he’ll make NEW

friends after Pete moves, and everything will work

out for the best. Sure enough, by the end of the

book, that’s EXACTLY what happens.

So basically Preston Platypus forgets about Pelican

Pete, and all their years of friendship don’t mean

a THING. And we never find out what happens

to Pelican Pete or if he’s happy in HIS new

neighbourhood.

191

I thought about writing an angry letter to

whoever WROTE this garbage. But of course

Rowley LIKED the story, and he wanted me to

read him ANOTHER one.

I decided to just stop dancing around the issue

and tell Rowley what was REALLY going on. And

the second I did I REGRETTED it.

I told Rowley to try not to get too worked up

because it wasn’t a done deal yet. But nothing I

said made any difference.

I had to tell Rowley that if he was gonna be so

DRAMATIC I was going HOME.

192

So then Rowley promised he’d keep himself

together, and he DID, but just BARELY.

Maybe it was a mistake telling Rowley about ANY

of this. I probably should’ve sent him a postcard

AFTER I moved, because that would’ve been a lot

easier on BOTH of us.

Wednesday

The owners of the house with the pool accepted

our offer, so I guess this is really HAPPENING.

The people who are buying OUR place had a home

survey done over the weekend, and they found a

few things we’re gonna have to fix before they’ll

buy the house. The most SERIOUS issue was

a problem with the ceiling underneath Mom and

Dad’s shower.

193

Apparently that clogged drain was a bigger

problem than we THOUGHT. The floorboards

under the bathroom tiles were totally rotten, so

now we’re gonna have to REPLACE them.

We’re lucky nothing TERRIBLE ever happened.

Because I can think of things even worse than the

GROUT.

194

The other thing the buyers want us to do is get

rid of the HOT TUB, because they have young

kids and they’re worried about SAFETY. And I’m

100% with them on THAT one.

Now I know for SURE that we’re moving, I

have a TOTALLY different attitude to school.

Since it’s almost summer, I asked Mom if I could

SKIP classes for the rest of the year.

But she said if I don’t go to school they could

throw her and Dad in JAIL. I thought about

whether or not that would be WORTH it, but I

decided I could just suck it up for a little while

longer.

195

I realized that next year I won’t be going to

school with these kids, and that’s what gave me

the courage to finally tell Becky Anton that I

LIKED her. So during Biology I told Becky I’d

had a crush on her ever since fifth grade.

But Becky went straight to the TEACHER,

and five minutes later I had a new lab partner.

And I’m seriously thinking about the JAIL option

again, because I don’t know if I can last the rest

of the school year dealing with Kelson Garrity.

196

That’s not even my WORST problem, though.

Ever since I told Rowley that we’re officially

MOVING, he’s been a total MESS. Even

though he keeps promising he’s not gonna go all

BLUBBERY on me, the smallest thing can set

him off.

And, even when he IS keeping it together, he

still says these little things that make me feel

GUILTY about moving.

197

On the way home from school today, we had to

walk on the grass because they’d just repaved the

pavement. But that gave Rowley an IDEA. He said

we should write our NAMES in the cement with a

stick and put “BEST FRIENDS” underneath.

It made me a little uncomfortable writing in

something so PERMANENT, though, especially

since I didn’t know what the friend situation

would be in my new neighbourhood. I didn’t wanna

mention that to Rowley, though, because I knew

it would set him off again.

198

So I wrote some extra stuff with the stick to

give me a little wiggle room, just in case.

Saturday

School ended a week ago and, while everyone

ELSE is already enjoying their summer holiday,

we’ve been PACKING.

199

Mom created a binder and a schedule for everyone

in the family, and we’re all responsible for boxing

up our own stuff. It’s gonna be TIGHT, but

we should be done by the time the moving lorries

show up next weekend.

The person who’s taking the LONGEST is DAD.

He wants to make sure none of his Civil War

figurines break, so he’s using a whole roll of bubble

wrap for each ONE.

Mom’s been hoping our neighbours would throw us a

going-away party, but, with all the construction

over the past month, we’re not that POPULAR

around here. So Mom decided we’d just throw a

party for OURSELVES.

200

The party was TONIGHT. We’d sent out

invitations to just about everyone on our street,

and we set everything up in our yard.

Rodrick was excited, because Mom and Dad

were letting his band play, and they were even

PAYING him. We were still busy setting up when

the first guests started to arrive.

I wasn’t sure if I should even INVITE Rowley

to the party, because I was afraid he might have

another breakdown. But I was actually really

happy to see him.

201

His parents seemed happy, TOO, and I almost

got the feeling they were GLAD I was moving.

Rowley said he had a GIFT for me, which was a

giant collage with a bunch of pictures of us over

the years. And, I’m not gonna lie, it got me a

little choked up.

202

I was kind of RELIEVED that’s all Rowley’s

gift was. Because the way he’s been acting lately,

I wouldn’t be surprised if he gave me one of his

FINGERS or something.

Rowley said I could hang the collage in my NEW

bedroom to remind me of all the fun stuff we did

together. And I don’t know if there was a lot

of pollen in the air tonight or WHAT, but right

then I think I got something in my eye.

Things were getting a little too touchy-feely for

me, though, so I was glad when more people

started to arrive at the party.

It picked up really FAST from there. Rodrick’s

band started playing out on the back deck, and

the music attracted some teenagers who were at

a high-school graduation party a few doors down.

Then it seemed like everyone on our street was at

our party all at ONCE, and it got CRAZY.

204

Our party was pretty WILD, but it was

NOTHING compared to MANNY’S. And his

party was still going strong when I turned in for

the night.

Sunday

I have to admit, last night was a lot of FUN.

But I’m kind of SAD, because just when things

are getting GOOD around here we’re LEAVING.

I was the first one in the house awake today,

and when I looked out of the window, I knew we

were in for a long day of clean-up.

205

I wished we still had that Skip, because that

would’ve made things a whole lot EASIER.

While I was looking over the front lawn, two

big moving lorries pulled up at the kerb. I was

kind of CONFUSED, because our move was still a

week away.

A few guys got out of the lorries, and one of

them came to our front door. So I went out to

MEET him.

206

The man told me his team was ready to start

putting our stuff into the lorries, and they needed

to come into the house. By now, Mom had come

downstairs and was at the front door.

She told the guy that he was a week EARLY,

and that the move wasn’t until NEXT Sunday.

But he pulled out a contract that showed

TODAY’S date as the moving day, and it had

Mom’s SIGNATURE at the bottom.

Mom told the guy she’d made a MISTAKE, and

that we weren’t READY to move yet. He told

her the deposit was “non-refundable” and that if

we didn’t move TODAY we’d lose the money we’d

already paid.

207

Now Mom was in a PANIC. She woke everyone up

and told us to get PACKING. The movers said

we had a two-hour window to get everything on

to the lorries, so we really had to HUSTLE.

Up to this point we’d been really careful packing

so nothing got DAMAGED. But now there was no

TIME for that.

208

The movers REALLY didn’t care if our stuff got

broken. And that’s why it was probably a bad idea

to let them pack up our DISHES.

Mom asked the movers to just focus on the

FURNITURE instead, and they went down to

the basement to start there.

Then someone rang the doorbell. It was the guy

we’d hired to take the HOT TUB away, and his

crane was parked in our front yard.

With everything ELSE going on in the house,

this was pretty terrible TIMING.

209

The crane operator explained that he couldn’t get

his vehicle into our backyard without running over

our neighbour’s flower garden, so his plan was to

lift the hot tub OVER the house.

That sounded a little crazy to ME, but I figured

this guy probably knew what he was doing.

210

I showed the guy where the hot tub was, and he

put some straps around it. Then he attached the

straps to a giant HOOK and lifted the hot tub

off the deck.

But when he tried to reverse his vehicle, he

COULDN’T, because the movers had piled up a

bunch of FURNITURE in our yard. So now the

hot tub was dangling above our ROOF.

211

As if the whole situation wasn’t stressful enough

ALREADY, all of a sudden ROWLEY showed up

in my front yard.

212

But I didn’t have TIME to deal with Rowley,

because now I had a NEW problem.

That guy from Whirley Street had pulled up

in front of our house, and he was taking the

FURNITURE that the movers had left by

the kerb. And that’s when I remembered it

was SUNDAY, which is the day we leave our

TRASH out.

I tried to wave the guy off to make him go away.

But the crane operator thought I was giving him

a signal that it was OK to reverse his vehicle,

which is what he DID.

213

And that was the end of our living-room COUCH.

The CRANE stopped, but the hot tub DIDN’T.

It started swinging in crazy circles above the

house, and then it slammed into our CHIMNEY.

214

The bricks slid off the roof and just missed my

PARENTS, who had come outside to see what all

the COMMOTION was.

After that, I thought it was OVER, because I

couldn’t imagine anything ELSE happening. But

something DID.

Some wasps had built a nest in our CHIMNEY,

which explains how they’d been getting into the

house all this time. And now they were LOOSE,

looking for REVENGE.

We all ran for cover inside the house, but the crane

operator wasn’t quick enough to get away.

215

The wasps flew into the cabin of his vehicle,

which made him kick the lever that released the

HOT TUB, which fell through the ROOF.

And at that point, to tell the truth, I was

kind of RELIEVED. Because now I knew for

SURE that things really couldn’t get any

WORSE.

216

Thursday

There was one bright spot from what happened

over the weekend, and it’s that Rodrick made it

through the experience ALIVE.

The hot tub landed smack in the middle of his

BEDROOM, so we thought he’d got CRUSHED.

But, when the movers had hauled Rodrick’s bed

out of the basement, they loaded it on to one of

the lorries and took him WITH it.

Everything else is BAD news. The people who were

supposed to buy OUR house pulled out, and that

meant we couldn’t afford the NEW one. So I

guess that means we’re STUCK here for a while.

217

To be honest with you, I’m not totally sure I

was ready to move, anyway. Looking for a new

best friend would’ve been a huge hassle, and,

besides, there’s so much more I need to TEACH

Rowley before I go.

There’s probably a LESSON I could learn from

this whole experience, like “be happy with what

you’ve got” or “there’s no place like home” or that

sort of thing. But that’s the kind of corny stuff

they put in books for little kids.

So here’s the lesson I’M taking away from all

this: don’t be late for an old lady’s funeral.

Because, believe me, she’ll make you PAY.

Acknowledgements

Thanks to my wife, Julie, for your love and support, especially during my

deadlines. Thanks to my family for cheering me on all these years.

Thanks to Charlie Kochman for caring about every period, comma,

and semicolon in these books. Thanks to everyone at Abrams, including

Michael Jacobs, Andrew Smith, Hallie Patterson, Melanie Chang, Kim

Lauber, Mary O’Mara, Alison Gervais, and Elisa Gonzalez. Thanks also

to Susan Van Metre and Steve Roman.

Thanks to my awesome, friendly Wimpy Kid team: Shaelyn Germain,

Anna Cesary, and Vanessa Jedrej. Thanks to Deb Sundin, Kym Havens,

and the incredible staff at An Unlikely Story.

Special thanks to Chad W. Beckerman for your outstanding design skills

and for your friendship over these many years. Thanks to Liz Fithian for

all the great memories on our travels.

Thanks to Rich Carr and Andrea Lucey for your outstanding support.

Thanks to Paul Sennott for all your help. Thanks to Sylvie Rabineau and

Keith Fleer for everything you do for me.

As always, thanks to Jess Brallier for your continued support.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jeff Kinney is a #1 New York Times bestselling author and a six-time

Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award winner for Favourite Book. Jeff has

been named one of Time magazine’s 100 Most Influential People in the

World. He is also the creator of Poptropica, which was named one of

Time’s 50 Best Websites. He spent his childhood in the Washington,

D.C., area and moved to New England in 1995. Jeff lives with his wife

and two sons in Massachusetts, where they own a bookstore, An

Unlikely Story.